Things I can't get my mind to shut up about

It is currently one in the morning, which me being up at this time isn't weird but me being up and doing something is. During the week I try to make it to sleep before 1 am.
None the less I am in a weird mood and my mind won't shut up. So since this blog is pretty much me speaking my mind here is whats going on.

My mind is thinking about a billion things. Matter of fact I have rewritten this blog like three times already.

Started off thinking about how much I am going to regret playing volleyball tonight. Oh yes you read that right. I played volleyball tonight...if thats what you can call it. I felt like I was back in Junior High and I hadn't totally gained control over my massive, tall body yet. I thought that even though I can't hit yet, I could still dominate with passing and setting. Yeah wrong about that. I have no strength behind what I was doing, and I was already compensating for it when I played. After an hour I gave up because my big epic comeback was more of a, " It's ok Heidi, this is your first time playing since surgery" I hate excuses when I play volleyball. Now any other sport yes, but not volleyball.
And for the record my PT said I could do this if I played at 50%. I played at 50% but not because I was trying. It just sucked because the thought of playing with that volleyball again was the thing that got me through the day. When ever I was getting tired, annoyed, frustrated, or a million other feelings, I just thought about finally getting to play, even if I was limited. The thought of briefly touching that leather ball while setting the most epic set and watching my teammate just slam that ball into someones face brought a smile. I thought about how fearless I am when I pass and lining my body up with the outside of the block so that I could pass a ball with ease. These are all things I crave. My heart literally ached when some one mentioned playing volleyball and I had to say no.
I know this sounds stupid, but every time I get on a court and start playing, I am reminded of the person I can be. I find great self worth on a volleyball court. I become confident, overly happy (even when I am losing) and a leader. I tease people and I am not shy. I have no fears and I have earned respect. Something I rarely felt from my college coach, but something I felt from 12 other girls. These are all qualities of myself that I forget I have until I play volleyball. Off the court I am rarely all these things. Most people don't give me a second glance, but on a volleyball court they dismiss me until I go to hit the ball. I don't hit with power, I hit with skill. Before they know it they are losing. I have never understood why I can't take these qualities off the court. One day I will though and then I will be unstoppable.

Volleyball isn't the only thing on my mind. It just stirs up a lot of emotions. That and listening to coldplay. Darn you Coldplay for being so soothing.
My body is finally getting tired. I think I will try this whole sleeping thing again. I hear it does wonders for the body. Its been a while, I can't remember. I vaguely remember looking good and health at one point in my life, but I was also playing 5 hours of vball everyday. There I go again with Volleyball.
OK I am done.